Do you ever feel like you spend a lot of energy trying to motivate others to do their jobs? Following up? Reminders? Or a lot of energy dealing with the consequences of people not doing what they are supposed to do? Why don't things just get done, and done right? When they don't, why do I feel like I should have done more to get other people to have done the right thing? Why do I take on responsibility and thus the guilt of others? I admit I have lost a lot of faith. The saying is true, 'if you want some thing done right you have to do it yourself." But honestly we can't do everything. There are MANY things we are not equipped to do on our own. People specialize in things, and we go to them to do what we can't. When they do a terrible job, slack, put us off, make mistakes out of carelessness, etc we are left to deal with it. What choice do we have? I am tired of being at the mercy of so called specialists. At the mercy of people who are supposed to know and do, and provide, and get done, and they don't. They don't care. I try to get them to care. I am polite. I am humble. I give second chances. I feel like I am walked all over constantly. And then I feel guilty. I question myself. Was I too nice? Was I too polite? Did I call too many time and they decided they'd not help me? What did I do? What have I done? What could I have done? How could I have made this better? Why did I fail? I constantly feel like I have failed, because OTHER PEOPLE have failed me. I feel like it's my fault because I some how let them fail me.
This has been a rough year, and yet we have so much to be thankful for. I try to so hard to be thankful, and it's not even hard to be thankful, because there is so much. But it's hard to not let the frustration and anger get me down, to creep in and keep me focused on areas that could be better, things that could have gone smoother. I feel like there is so much I want to focus on and be better at and be more for my family and do more for our home, and yet so much of my energy is directed fixing and dealing with these problems other people create.
Well, I know - I've been thinking a lot this week about how Ilya was failed, how we failed him, but it wasn't for lack of trying not to.
ReplyDeleteJust one - but definitely the worst - example.
And here we go again. Since the baby was born (September) and certainly after Ilya died (October) we've been desperate to get Anastasia to a new psychiatrist to get her meds corrected. Well, for one reason or another - no luck. FINALLY it looks like I can get her an "emergency" appointment - after Christmas. A full three months later, after she has taken to her bed, ceased doing schoolwork and seems to be close to anorexia. (And we wonder why people go crazy and head out on killing rampages.)
Yes, I know what you mean. Unfortunately, we seem to be on a downhill skid in so many areas. For the past few years, well meaning friends have said "Thank God 20XX is over for you! You've had a horrible year!" and each year, for us, things just seem to get worse.
ReplyDeleteOne bright thing has been Victor and Ken both going to an appt with Vita's new therapist. And during that session, there was a significant bonding between the two which has led to a beautiful, positive change in their relationship. Prior, this was living in Testosterone Hell, with both of them angling to have me say "I'M ON YOUR SIDE! HE IS WRONG! I PICK YOU OVER HIM!" It was ugly to say the least.
At work they were talking of the Mayan Doomsday and my response was "huh, I know that Jesus won't reject me, and if the world ends, that means we won't have so many bills and stressors! Okay! bring on the apocalypse!!" ;)