It's May, and boy am I loving it, while at the same time struggling BIG TIME. Last May we spent the 3rd through the 22nd in the hospital with G. Nearly 3 weeks, nearly the entire month. We missed Mother's Day, and two kid's birthdays. On a smaller scale we missed flowers blooming, trees blooming, trees erupting with leaves, and the sun shining. We missed the end of the year field trips and events. We missed a lot. We aren't missing any of it this year, and it feels so good.
Yesterday was Mother's Day. Poignant is the best word I can come up with for that. Last year Mother's Day was the day after G started having seizures from the severe brain damage happening in his head that was going untreated. Mother's Day was the day after he slipped into a lower level of consciousness that he wouldn't wake up from for days. Last year I celebrated Mother's Day ever so briefly with my four other children in the computer cubicle of the "family room" at the hospital so we could have a little privacy. I opened my precious gifts, hugged them tight, and had to let them go so I could get back to my son whom I was afraid was dying. Yesterday was bittersweet. I kept vacillating between feelings of sadness remembering last year, and such strong feelings of thankfulness that we are in such a better place this year.
Every day seems to consist of this constant back and forth, feelings of sadness and memories that choke me to my core. At the same time I have so much to be thankful for, that I feel the need to let go of all the sadness and not let it ruin a single moment of the present. It's all compounded by the reality that G still struggles, that he still faces the effects of his illness. He is still behind, he still has deficits, he's not "all better". May brings yearly reviews for special education. He's made so much progress, but at the same time will need to continue OT, PT, and Speech therapies. It's okay, but knowing it's been a year, a full year, and he's not "all better" some how marks some thing. It all of the sudden increases the magnitude (if that's possible) of what happened to him. It was so bad that a year has passed and he's not all better. He's so good though, and I wouldn't change a single thing about him.
I will be glad when May is over. I know I said I am loving it, and I am. Every corner holds some thing I am so thankful for, some thing I have an extremely strong sense of gratitude for, but I need it to be over. Every day holds significance right now, and not in a good way. They hold memories that hurt. I can tell you what happened on each day, and as I right this now, these days last year were the worst. Things got better, and they have continued to get better and better, and we are doing so good. So I hope as these days pass I will feel better too. I will have gotten through the first year, through the first rush of memories and emotions, and moving forward I hope that it will all begin to fade.
I know that this May I am sad, and thankful. I hope that next May will come and I will be less sad and still so thankful. I want every year to hold less sadness about what happened, but I don't want to ever become any less thankful for all the wonderful things May brings.