The Month of May

It's May, and boy am I loving it, while at the same time struggling BIG TIME. Last May we spent the 3rd through the 22nd in the hospital with G. Nearly 3 weeks, nearly the entire month. We missed Mother's Day, and two kid's birthdays. On a smaller scale we missed flowers blooming, trees blooming, trees erupting with leaves, and the sun shining. We missed the end of the year field trips and events. We missed a lot. We aren't missing any of it this year, and it feels so good.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. Poignant is the best word I can come up with for that. Last year Mother's Day was the day after G started having seizures from the severe brain damage happening in his head that was going untreated. Mother's Day was the day after he slipped into a lower level of consciousness that he wouldn't wake up from for days. Last year I celebrated Mother's Day ever so briefly with my four other children in the computer cubicle of the "family room" at the hospital so we could have a little privacy. I opened my precious gifts, hugged them tight, and had to let them go so I could get back to my son whom I was afraid was dying. Yesterday was bittersweet. I kept vacillating between feelings of sadness remembering last year, and such strong feelings of thankfulness that we are in such a better place this year.

Every day seems to consist of this constant back and forth, feelings of sadness and memories that choke me to my core. At the same time I have so much to be thankful for, that I feel the need to let go of all the sadness and not let it ruin a single moment of the present. It's all compounded by the reality that G still struggles, that he still faces the effects of his illness. He is still behind, he still has deficits, he's not "all better".  May brings yearly reviews for special education. He's made so much progress, but at the same time will need to continue OT, PT, and Speech therapies. It's okay, but knowing it's been a year, a full year, and he's not "all better" some how marks some thing. It all of the sudden increases the magnitude (if that's possible) of what happened to him. It was so bad that a year has passed and he's not all better. He's so good though, and I wouldn't change a single thing about him. 

I will be glad when May is over. I know I said I am loving it, and I am. Every corner holds some thing I am so thankful for, some thing I have an extremely strong sense of gratitude for, but I need it to be over. Every day holds significance right now, and not in a good way. They hold memories that hurt. I can tell you what happened on each day, and as I right this now, these days last year were the worst. Things got better, and they have continued to get better and better, and we are doing so good. So I hope as these days pass I will feel better too. I will have gotten through the first year, through the first rush of memories and emotions, and moving forward I hope that it will all begin to fade. 

I know that this May I am sad, and thankful. I hope that next May will come and I will be less sad and still so thankful. I want every year to hold less sadness about what happened, but I don't want to ever become any less thankful for all the wonderful things May brings. 

13

My oldest daughter turned 13 yesterday! Wow! That is kind of shocking. 

Here are some pictures of her opening her gifts. 

I LOVE seeing that smile. 

Her siblings were very attentive, especially little man there. She was a very fantastic big sister and let him "help" open the gifts.

P missed it all because he had a wrestling meet and didn't get home until after 9:00. We are celebrating again on Sunday at my mom's though.

What to Say

I don't know what to write about, don't have a theme. I guess I will just update on the ongoing themes of my life since that's about all that's going on. 

The insulation job is nearly done, you'd think we'd be way warmer but we are not. Today they put in a sliding glass door and that should help a lot. I am excited about it because the old one was awful and we got the roll the cost into the insulation loan or we otherwise could have never afforded one. The new materials kind of smell funny so I will be glad when that wears off.

Little G man is doing great. He is better and better all the time, and my mom said the other day she feels like he is "back". I was glad to hear that. I am not quite there yet, but I know we are close. We are weaning him off the keppra which I know has to be helping. He's doing just awesome. He will start therapy soon for the stuttering which should help a lot too. 

The wood stove still sits unusable in our living room. It's frustration to the max. I did speak with some one at the manufacturer of the stove who was encouraging. We'll see. We also got an estimate on having it moved to a location where we can safely use it. It wasn't as much as we expected, so if something does not happen soon with the dealer we bought it from, we will simply move it and actually be able to use it. That will put the investment even higher, but at this point it's ridiculously high for something we can not use. 

The new sliding door smell like cow manure. There I said it.

I was going to try earnestly to lose another 20lbs this winter. I thought I'd jump on the New Year's wagon and use it to my advantage. I dropped 9lbs like nothing, but have gained 5 back like nothing too. I don't know what exactly is going on with me. I am a bit flummoxed. I am just going to keep plugging along though. We'll see. I sure do like food. 

MRI

G's MRI results were good. They are weaning him off the anti-seizure medication. He had his speech evaluation and is going to qualify for services to address his stutter. All really good news. :)

My Son

Last night ranked up in the top 5 most proud moments of my life. It was stressful and strange, but I came away from it with the strongest feelings of pride and happiness. 

P takes the 5:00 late bus home every day after school because he is on the wrestling team. He usually gets to the drop off spot at the end of our street at 5:45. Dan had already left to go pick him up and I got a phone call from him at 5:43. "Mama, it's P. A boy tried to kill himself on our bus, I am going to be late." My immediate response was "Can I come and get you? Will they let you off the bus?" He didn't know. I told him I was going to call his Papa and tell him to come home, and that he should call us when the bus gets moving again and we'll meet him down at the end of our street. I called Dan and couldn't get a hold of him, so I had to drive down and let him know to come home. 

I'm not sure at what point I decided this, but I told Dan to go home and that I was going to go to where the bus was (P was able to tell me) and see if I could just get him. It ran through my head, all that he has been through in his short life. I had the thought "he doesn't need to be exposed to this trauma". When he called he could barely hear me through all the chaos of the bus. I could hear it in the background. I felt a strong need to protect him and get him out of the situation. At that point I'd had no idea. 

I got there and there were two buses, the 2nd to get the kids off and take them home since the 1st was not going anywhere fast. I asked the bus driver standing on the the bus with no kids if I could get my son. She acted like she was too busy and frazzled over the situation to deal with me so I backed off and waited. Shortly there after kids started coming around the front of her bus and getting on this 2nd empty bus. I was looking for P. The bus driver said if I saw him I could grab him, but then said oh wait, no you can't. I said ok, and just waited further, looking for P. I figured I'd at least tell him I was there and when they were free to be released I would take him home with me. Another batch of kids came around the front of the bus and I looked for P, but he never came around. From where I was standing I could not see the other bus. 

After a minute or so of waiting I walked over a bit and got a view of the other bus. It was empty except for the bus driver, the child in crisis, and 3 other students. One of them was my son. He was in the bus seat with the boy, holding him......I broke down. My son was the young man sitting in the seat with this boy. He didn't run, he wasn't too afraid to step up, he wasn't too cool to show this hurting child compassion. He was the one helping, he was there. And I couldn't do anything. 

I called my mom, told her what was going on. She helped me calm down as I was feeling so emotional and so proud of P, all the while wanting to end this chaos and stress for him. I wanted to go on the bus and help so that my son didn't have to. As I was there watching, it occurred to me how ridiculous it was that there were absolutely no emergency personnel at the scene. It had been 20 minutes since P had called me at home, and surely the police had been called prior to him calling me. How did I get there faster? And I had been there a while. I decided to call 911 myself. I was told they didn't have any officers available, they were all out on other calls. I was pretty curt explaining that my son was stuck on a bus with a child who had tried to kill himself and that no one was here. I told her it felt like it'd been a half an hour already. She said she was dispatching an ambulance now. I thanked her and hung up. I talked to my mom again and she told me to get as close to P as I could so I went over to the bus, right outside the window where he was and gave him reassuring looks every chance I had. They seemed to be going between reassuring and calming the boy, and restraining him. The bus driver opened the door and I said that I was P's mom. She started to move like she was going to get him for me, and I said that is ok he can stay, he's helping. And she said "yes, he's really helping". I said it was okay I just wanted her to know I was there and I said I could help if she needed me to.  I told her I had called 911, and what they had said. She couldn't believe it. I am tempted to follow up today on the non emergency number about what happened and make sure they understand how long all those kids waited for help. Make sure they understand that my 14 year old had to step up and help that child in crisis for over a half an hour while the people trained to do such things were no where to be found. 

Once some one finally arrived they got right on the bus and started talking to the boy. P said he felt like they didn't do enough and just started talking to him. I think he was more than ready to hand things over but it didn't quite go like that. The bus driver got off to go and talk to the other bus driver and when she went to go back on I asked to come on to. I felt like with my son in the middle of this I needed to be there with him. I just tucked in the front seat and stood there. The boy seemed to be having a severe panic attack or anxiety attack. His breathing was very irregular and he was unable to move his legs. P told me later that the boy has Aspergers. It sounded like he got in an argument with some one on the bus, and was yelling that he was going to kill these other children. P's good friend Victoria was trying to calm him down P said, and then he started choking himself. P said that basically he had heard things in the past that made him think the boy comes from an abusive home. The 3rd student still on the bus was they boy's brother, he was two seats ahead of P, V, and the boy. He made some comments about this not being the first time some thing like this has happened. After some time the firemen were able to get the boy up and off the bus and in to an ambulance. It was at this point I was able to take P and go home. (Of course I had to show my I.D. ;) 

I couldn't hug P enough times. I told him he could stay home from school today, but he chose to go. 

When I was going to pick him up. I didn't think about him being involved, or being in the "thick of it" if you will, but as soon as I saw him on that bus holding that kid, it hit me like a ton of bricks "of course he is helping". That is the kind of kid he is, and some times I forget that. When you live day to day with the little things that come with older child adoption, lying over stupid things, parenting their siblings, inability to let go of control, distance, manipulation, it's easy to get wrapped up in the negative, and trying to change things so those behaviors don't manifest. But this boy does not need me to try and change anything about him. His heart is the biggest I know, and last night he didn't need me to mold anything, or fix anything, or teach him any lessons about life. He taught me a huge lesson. I wouldn't have wanted him to be anyone else last night. I always worry about how my older kids are when I'm not around. I worry because at times they make bad choices when I am not there to see. They are often little things, but it makes me worry about the big things. I wasn't there to see last night, and P made all the right decisions about a pretty big thing. I feel ashamed that I don't give him more credit where credit is clearly due. What an amazing person I am so fortunate to have the opportunity know. I am so, so very proud of my son. 

2013

The thing about a New Year and it's hope for a better year to come, is that there is no magic spell that is released when the ball drops, and often times the trials of the previous year carry right into the new year. I came to that realization some time that last week of 2012. I realized the new year was going to come and the struggles we face were going to be right there waiting for us. In fact they were going to be renewed in that over the break, we kind of had a break.

Yesterday brought several disappointments and reminders, and each on their own are not at all too distressing, but all piled up you start to feel like you are rolling down hill with increasing momentum and you aren't sure you are going to be able to pull it to a stop. As I felt the depression set in, and I really could feel it yesterday, I did my best to fight it. I am usually not very good at this. I let things pile up and all of the sudden I am cranky, biting people's heads off, grabbing a beer or 6 and zoning out to some tv show until bed time comes and I can just fall asleep and leave it behind. 

Monday G has his next MRI. I hate that he has to go through it, I wish I could do it for him. Dan will be with us, and things are better with my mom so she will be helping with the kids. It should go well, but it's stressful and I just wish he didn't have to go with through it. At the same time I am so anxious for it to happen. I need it so badly. I NEED to know that everything is healing. I need to see PROOF that his brain is healing. I need to know that there has been no new damage since August 27th. I need to know so I can worry a little less on a daily basis. Every little ache or pain he has makes me worry. Every time he stumbles, or seems sleepy in the afternoon I freak a little inside. I need to know that those things happened while his brain was doing nothing but healing. I need to know. The MRI is Monday, and the following Monday we have an appointment with the doctor, which is a huge improvement over the last scan. He had that August 27th and we did not see the doctor until October 29th. I am glad he is having the MRI, but I am sad for him, and yesterday I had to make the pre-registration phone call, and the pre-anesthesia nurse called to do the pre-testing phone call or whatever it was. It was all right there in front of me all of the sudden, I will be glad when it's over. 

Yesterday I also spoke with an attorney about the situation with our wood stove. He didn't have much good news for us. He said we can take them to small claims court but will be limited to a $3000 judgement, (which you then I have to find a way to make them pay it). The stove and installation alone cost $3500, and we have another $2000 invested into accessories and wood. To say nothing of the fact that we are back to paying $800 a month for heating oil, and have wasted nearly a year on this stove that we can not use. To say nothing of the danger they put my family in, TWICE, with their unsafe installation. Just seems like there should be more that can be done to hold them accountable. But I am losing hope. I am going to try another attorney on Monday, another perspective is worth seeking. 

As we have tried to get the company who installed the stove to take it back and give us our money back, we have realized it may not happen. In fact it seems likely that it will not happen, and even more so as time goes on. Because of this we have been generating plans B, and C, etc for what we will do. Leaving a $5500 investment sitting in our living room as an unpleasant conversation starter is not going to work. The antique cook stove in our kitchen has a chimney. There is a hole cut there already and the house is only one story there and the chimney would not have to extend very far there at all. It's a good place for the new stove if we have to keep it. It's not ideal because we like the cook stove, and because the new big stove would not be centrally located for heating like it is now. But it's some where it could go if we are stuck keeping it, and we could use it there in some capacity. In order to put it there some things in our kitchen need to changed around a bit. We came up with an idea to put some cupboards in an area right near the kitchen to give us more storage nearby. We could then get rid of this huge hutch that I do not like as it always looks a mess. We could move the table a bit, and then have enough room to move the new stove and operate it easily. The estimate on the cabinets........$3400. Yeah, that's not going to happen. The one set, which would make the most difference would only be $2100.......so we could just do that one part.......yeah, that's not going to happen. 

I called the woman at the stove store. I didn't want to, but after talking to the attorney I thought I better try her again, see if I could get anywhere with her. Some one else answered the phone and took a message. She is not going to call me back. I am tempted to go in there this afternoon with photos and our report and make a little scene in front of the Saturday afternoon customers. I am sure it's one of their busier days, but I just don't know if I have it in me. So anyways, that was a bust. 

Over the holidays I went a little hog wild with my eating. As of Wednesday I have gotten it back in control and am already seeing results. I am thankful for that and it's giving me something else to focus on. I hope to lose the 10lbs I gained and maybe another 10 to get to a new low. We shall see. I much prefer being in control of my eating, so it's nice to be back in control. Of course I miss eating what I want when I want, but it's not good for me and I am not good at it. I did this last year too and took off the weight just fine. I think this will likely be what I do. I do not wish to make myself miserable during the holidays and miss out, so as long as I remain dedicated to fixing the damage after the holidays it's okay. Really it's only about 5lbs of water weight in the end and 5 real pounds that I have to lose. The water weight is gone already so that is good. Many go into the New Year with intentions of better health etc so I am at least in good company. 

Merry Christmas!!

Well about a week ago I wrote a post, and some how I ended up with what I thought were two copies. It seemed I had posted twice. So, I deleted one of them, and low and behold it was the one that actually had some content, the other was blank. Shoot. I deleted my entire post. I don't think it said much! So don't worry you didn't miss out.

A late Merry Christmas to my readers! (However many (few) of you there may be.) What a strange time this has been. I can't say there was much of any tradition this year, but oh well? Maybe we are trending towards new tradition? We celebrated Christmas Eve a day early with my mom and her husband. He works Christmas Eve with an unpredictable end time so we thought we better not risk us all waiting until who knows when on Christmas Eve for him to get home to start our celebration. Instead we just moved it up a day and spent most of the whole day together and it was really, really nice. 

The kids slept over at my mom's the night before and Dan and I were able to get our last minute shopping done along with our wrapping. Since my mom has lived nearby it has become a tradition for Dan and I to have one evening/night alone to wrap presents and kind of have a little "date night" with the kids gone at my mom's. I was not sure this year it was going to happen but last minute it kind of pulled together. 

In the morning we went to my mom's. I cooked eggs and bacon ahead of time and when we got to my mom's I put together this breakfast wreath I found on pinterest. It was really yummy and well just typing about it makes me want to have some right now. Well maybe that is the wine I have been drinking that is making me feel snacky. Is snacky a word? My computer keeps underlining it like I spelled it wrong so probably not a word. 

If you want to follow me on pinterest you can here: http://pinterest.com/pearlhaven/ 

Well anyways, we had a nice breakfast and then we opened gifts. I got my mom a Nook Tablet and she was so happy she was brought to tears. That is the best thing about Christmas, finding those things that make your loved ones inexplicably happy in ways that just make you feel so awesome. Dan was also able to get my mom's husband a gift that made him equally as giddy and well, honestly it was the best part of the whole season for me. My mom and her husband live in this area because of us. They are here to be close to us. There just isn't much else at all here for them, and it means a lot to us. I am so thankful they are here and their support touches us daily. It was really awesome to be able to tangibly show them some how, how much they mean to us. And it's not that it's about "things", because I know "things" don't matter, but still it just all felt really good. 

This year was an electronic year for our family, for our kids really. Two kids got an ipod touch, one got a nook tablet, and another got a Nintendo DS. We are very conservative about these sorts of things with our kids.......until this year. This year we took the leap. We are still going to be very "on top" of things, lots of restrictions  lots of oversight, but we have branched out. It's been interesting to see the kids get what they "thought" they wanted, and then be faced with the reality of the true functionality of such items. Right now the DS seems to be the best choice as it has instant functionality with all the games she got, no downloading or extra cost needed. The IPODs are limited to itunes functionality which I am finding tricky as I can't get it to download on my computer. They each have been able to get a few apps, but haven't wanted to buy anything yet and I can't get any of our cds to itunes so they have no music as of yet. The nook is cool as I can put music right on it, but almost all apps at Barnes and Noble are at least $1+ and there does not seem to be as many games. It's all making me glad for our android tablet as it seems wide open in terms of options and ease of use. I am glad we got it and didn't go with an apple product or the barnes n noble, or amazon products when we got our tablet. 

My little man did not get any electronics. He is only 4. Instead he got ninja turtles and spiderman and angry birds things. Here he is with a hot wheels car from his big brother. 

He was pretty happy!

The insulation job on the house is nearly done and it's made a big difference. We still can't use our wood stove and the company we bought it from is non responsive at this point. It looks like we need an attorney. What a pain in the ass. Excuse my language, but the whole situation is just so frustrating. G keeps talking about if we have a fire and when the fire department comes, and tonight he got nervous when the pasta was boiling because he thought the steam was smoke. Poor little guy is nervous and worried about a fire and the fire department coming back. Even though he handled it awesomely when that did happen, it's apparent that the whole thing has him worried and it is on his mind. That makes me freaking mad at those people who put the stove in, jerks should have done it right. My little guy is worrying about things he shouldn't have to worry about and it's not right. 

Well I should wrap up, don't want to go on and on and on and lose you! :) Happy New Year!! Bring it on 2013!!!!